There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
