not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
