Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
