Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
