also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
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