Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
