A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
