It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
