you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
