he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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