Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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