My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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