Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize