literally had 100 drinks last night.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize