3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
