I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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