Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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