just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize