I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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