I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
