It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
