Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
