There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
