I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
