Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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