She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Sext me about skeletons
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
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