if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
