Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
