So drunk its hurt
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
My ass is underappreciated
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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