Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Randomize
