My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
