She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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