He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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