Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
cat food counts as protein by the way
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
