currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
