ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize