i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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