I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
