So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize