Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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