Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
