This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
