I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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