Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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