He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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