He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Woke up backwards on a recliner
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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