he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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