Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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