and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
