Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
