So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
