were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
