Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
