every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
