Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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