hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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