I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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