I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
