i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
my poor anus
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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